Responding Consciously and Compassionately
Sharing with you a handout from a parenting group:
Love is a total commitment to helping ourselves and others realize our full potential. Love is having faith in and celebrating our own abilities and our children’s abilities.
We have to develop our own internal ability to notice both how we respond to a child’s actions and emotions and to notice what is going on with the child. Research says that what parents do when kids emotions are running hot can predict outcomes of the kids. So much is centered around how we feel about feelings.
As a parent said in a parenting group, “Basically it’s about us being conscious.”
Developing our own internal ability to respond compassionately:
It’s quite normal for parents to want their child not to be in distress. When this feeling is about to launch a parent into action, parents should ask themselves: Is this my problem or hers? If it is the parent’s problem, then take action to correct the problem. If it is the child’s problem, the healthy parent tolerates any distress the child feels, giving the child a respectful chance to learn. This distress is the child’s cue that he needs to pay attention. If the child doesn’t solve the problem, the parent can support the child’s ability to take action while not removing the stress. (How Much is enough? pgs. 176-177)
Resources: Interview in Tricycle magazine with Daniel Goleman (a must read!), Pareting from the Inside Out, Alexander Kjerulf, How Much is Enough?
Love is a total commitment to helping ourselves and others realize our full potential. Love is having faith in and celebrating our own abilities and our children’s abilities.
“Most often it’s self-preoccupation that keeps us
from noticing what others need in the first place.”
from noticing what others need in the first place.”
~Daniel Goleman
We have to develop our own internal ability to notice both how we respond to a child’s actions and emotions and to notice what is going on with the child. Research says that what parents do when kids emotions are running hot can predict outcomes of the kids. So much is centered around how we feel about feelings.
As a parent said in a parenting group, “Basically it’s about us being conscious.”
Developing our own internal ability to respond compassionately:
- Notice what is happening. Notice another person is in need of attention, in need of help, or is in distress.
- Being mindful, being present with this other person, staying connected to what is happening in this moment.
- Attune to the other. Feel with them.
- This relates to having mindsight – being able to see the world from their perspective.
- Listen to nonverbals – eye contact, facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures, body posture, and timing and intensity of responses.
- Respond to the situation. Take action to help.
- Have response flexibility. Don’t react to the situation but attune to what is going on, reflect upon the situation and intentionally choose your actions.
- Communicate not just with words but with nonverbals as well. Be aware of your eye contact, facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures, body posture, timing and intensity of responses.
It’s quite normal for parents to want their child not to be in distress. When this feeling is about to launch a parent into action, parents should ask themselves: Is this my problem or hers? If it is the parent’s problem, then take action to correct the problem. If it is the child’s problem, the healthy parent tolerates any distress the child feels, giving the child a respectful chance to learn. This distress is the child’s cue that he needs to pay attention. If the child doesn’t solve the problem, the parent can support the child’s ability to take action while not removing the stress. (How Much is enough? pgs. 176-177)
Resources: Interview in Tricycle magazine with Daniel Goleman (a must read!), Pareting from the Inside Out, Alexander Kjerulf, How Much is Enough?
