challenges of loving

When I know your total acceptance then I can show you my softest, most penetrable, delicate, beautiful, and vulnerable self.

~ Joseph Zinker

And what of the courage that is needed to own these delicate and vulnerable places? The space may be held, the foundation upon which an integrated person of profound self appreciation, self love, and self knowledge is established, the stage is set externally, the invitation has been released... and then comes the totally individualized, self-contained moment of choice. Do I release this hidden soft and tender part of my being -- this wounded, fragmented, repressed and rejected expression of who I am out into the world? Must I own it? Must I confront the fact that this is me -- is a part of me? And will this special other hate this part of me as much as I do? Will they acknowledge the grasp it has on me, the contraction it ignites within me? I know their total acceptance -- and it is that I am scared to look at my own soft, penetrable, delicate and vulnerable states -- I don't find them beautiful and I'm conflicted by the fact that another does. And so I pull away -- pushing another away.

And as I spiral into my fears, into my old habits, into my contractions, into my fear, into my pain, into my discomfort... I notice what's there. I allow myself to feel that which naturally arises. I allow those icky feelings to stay, rather than pushing them back down into the dungeons of my psyche. And when I come up for breath, I remind myself:

I am supported for all of who I am and I support myself being all that I AM.

Comments:

I so needed to hear what you had to say. I love you and think about you often, ~leela leela | 02.03.05 - 12:39 am | #

May the blessing of light be upon you Light on the outside and light on the inside. With God's sunlight shining on you, may your heart glow with warmth like a turf fire that welcomes friends and strangers alike. Kojan | 02.09.05 - 3:12 am | #

leela, i had actually written this bit (in my own journal) long before i wrote the first one. i thought i'd post the lovey mushy one first and then this one. after reading your's and mary's words on the other post, this one seemed to fit right in. i love being a part of your sharing network and within the blessing of receiving your love. loving you, ashley jan... i would be sooooo honored and appreciative if you would share more of your prayers with me/ us. i needed what your wrote today so dearly... and it's shaped the tone of my morning in such a tender way, awakening sleeping and hiding light. i am always so moved and feel such a core place of contact with heart, being, and Spirit when i read these prayer comments that you drizzle about the internet. what are some of the daily prayers that you say? do you have some favorites? would you email me or maybe even be interested in posting here at easily amazed some? a forever fan in gratitude, ashley ashley | Homepage | 02.09.05 - 11:36 am | #