more compliments
i had an interesting conversation the other day. someone said to me:
"i know i'm not supposed to say this, but the people in the group really loved me." i was crushed by the preface that we're not supposed to say good things about ourselves. i think that being humble is a concept that has been taken way too seriously.
right now, i'm reading more about compliments. the positive discipline book for families recommends practicing giving and receiving compliments until it becomes a habit. i add to that, practice feeling good about and proud of our strengths and weaknesses. so on that note...
a new game. please share a compliment that you received that really touched a place inside of you. think of it as a way of being proud of your gifts and letting others know what kind of compliments make us feel all warm and tingly inside.
i'll start: i was stuck in line at the airport for a couple of hours (the computers had crashed). another man in line said to me, "I adore you -- i'm exploding in your smile."
(p.s. it's difficult for me to publish this post. i have to gather my self-doubt and push the publish button, regardless of how egotistical i might feel because i'm sharing with you that i have a great smile!!)
any one else want to share a meaningful compliment that you received?
comments:
Your comment about feeling good about our strengths and weaknesses reminds me of a conversation with my son. We'd just gotten home from picking him up at after school daycare. He showed me his math exam and told me, "I'm not good at math." Now, I knew this wasn't true, and the perfect score on his exam confirmed my opinion. I asked him, "Well, Brandon... What do you mean?" To which he again said, "I'm not good at math." The conversation went on like that for a few more rounds, and Brandon acknowledged that he'd gotten a perfect score and, while he was quick to point out that another kid in his class was as good as him at math, there was no one in his class better.
...
Dave | 03.28.04 - 5:24 pm | #
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...
In the end, I said to him, "Brandon, it sounds like what you're telling me is that you don't like math." He got a sheepish grin and said, "Well, yeah." And from there, we talked about how it was perfectly fine to be good at something without necessarily enjoying it.
It's possible that he was just fishing for compliments, but I really don't think so. He receives many, many compliments on a regular basis. I think he was simply not comfortable with having a gift that others valued more than he did.
Dave | 03.28.04 - 5:26 pm | #
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Recently, I have received the same deeply touching compliment from a few different folks, most of whom I'd never considered myself to be very close to.
This past quarter I dropped four of my six classes due to a death in the family and other personal stuff going on. A few different classmates and a professor at various times came to me and told me with depth and sincerity that they missed my presence in class.
To know that my presence made a significant difference in people's lives was truly touching, far more so than any compliment about a specific gift or the performance of a specific task.
Be love,
-Dave
Dave | 03.28.04 - 6:02 pm | #
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thanks for sharing dave. that is an ultimate compliment... and just to be confrontational (grin), i'd say that that is also a gift.
brandon's feelings towards math bring up some of my own experiences. i LOVE math. i think that it's wonderful! growing up, however, it was a hard subject to enjoy and be good in. it seemed that so many others struggled with it and had a passionate distaste for it. some times when i say that i love math, i still have that hint of embarrassment in my voice!
being love!
ashley
ashley | Email | Homepage | 03.29.04 - 12:22 am | #
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Hey, Ashley! It's patrice from the workshop. I continue to discover things that I learned while I was there. In response to the current topic, while I was in Austin, my friend, Jim, put his arm around my shoulders, gave me a squeeze and told me that I was a really good person. That kind of got to me, since I usually don't characterize myself like that. It's not that I don't think I am; I just don't really think about it. I loved the workshop. I was happy to have met you while I was there.
Patrice Hall | Email | 03.29.04 - 11:07 pm | #
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one of my favorites... i was at the open space on open space conference some years ago. anne stadler, one of the really wise souls of open space was there and went out on day one and got a pile of toys and fun stuff. i made a crazy hat out of tubers and zots foam stuff and wore it for most of the conference. nutty. at the end of the second day, i met anne at the elevator and said something like: "this has been the most amazing couple of days.... i'm going to have to wear this hat all the time now." and without a moment's hesitation anne says: "it might be the guy underneath the hat." perfectly reflected all of my best words and energy right back to me. brilliant she is.
michael herman | Email | Homepage | 03.29.04 - 11:26 pm | #
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Leela's post over at IN got me thinking about this some more...
I think people all too often see individual worth, the worth of the self and others, as a zero sum game. Even though we all rationally know that praising another in no way diminishes ourself, I suspect that sub-consciously most folks feel that by praising others, the praiser's worth, even if only their relative worth, is diminished.
Could this explain why people are both reticent to give praise and uncomfortable receiving it?
[continued below...]
Dave | 03.31.04 - 12:41 am | #
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[...continued from above]
Ironically, when we're free and open with praise, our perceived value in the eyes of others tends to go up. At least this is my experience...
I'm all for the regular sincere practice of giving and receiving praise. If we could all do that, it would be a step toward making the world a more pleasant place. My fear is that if we started practicing praise on a societal level, it would fall into the same trap that respect and consideration have fallen into. That is... Rather than focusing on being respectful and considerate of others, society has codified these attributes into a mindless, heartless, intentless set of rules called political correctness. But, that's another rambling...
Practicing love, praise and respect,
-Dave
Dave | 03.31.04 - 12:42 am | #
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patrice,
great to see you here. i'd like to share an impression that you left on me. at the conference, each time i asked a question and didn't quite get the response that i thought that i was needing, you poked your head down and said, "just so you know,....". i really appreciated how tuned into my experience you were. thank you. it was a joy meeting you as well.
michael,
your story leaves me grinning!
dave,
i propose that using the word encouragement (and all that it entails) as separate from praise might differentiate from mind-less to heart-full.
ashley
"i know i'm not supposed to say this, but the people in the group really loved me." i was crushed by the preface that we're not supposed to say good things about ourselves. i think that being humble is a concept that has been taken way too seriously.
right now, i'm reading more about compliments. the positive discipline book for families recommends practicing giving and receiving compliments until it becomes a habit. i add to that, practice feeling good about and proud of our strengths and weaknesses. so on that note...
a new game. please share a compliment that you received that really touched a place inside of you. think of it as a way of being proud of your gifts and letting others know what kind of compliments make us feel all warm and tingly inside.
i'll start: i was stuck in line at the airport for a couple of hours (the computers had crashed). another man in line said to me, "I adore you -- i'm exploding in your smile."
(p.s. it's difficult for me to publish this post. i have to gather my self-doubt and push the publish button, regardless of how egotistical i might feel because i'm sharing with you that i have a great smile!!)
any one else want to share a meaningful compliment that you received?
comments:
Your comment about feeling good about our strengths and weaknesses reminds me of a conversation with my son. We'd just gotten home from picking him up at after school daycare. He showed me his math exam and told me, "I'm not good at math." Now, I knew this wasn't true, and the perfect score on his exam confirmed my opinion. I asked him, "Well, Brandon... What do you mean?" To which he again said, "I'm not good at math." The conversation went on like that for a few more rounds, and Brandon acknowledged that he'd gotten a perfect score and, while he was quick to point out that another kid in his class was as good as him at math, there was no one in his class better.
...
Dave | 03.28.04 - 5:24 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...
In the end, I said to him, "Brandon, it sounds like what you're telling me is that you don't like math." He got a sheepish grin and said, "Well, yeah." And from there, we talked about how it was perfectly fine to be good at something without necessarily enjoying it.
It's possible that he was just fishing for compliments, but I really don't think so. He receives many, many compliments on a regular basis. I think he was simply not comfortable with having a gift that others valued more than he did.
Dave | 03.28.04 - 5:26 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently, I have received the same deeply touching compliment from a few different folks, most of whom I'd never considered myself to be very close to.
This past quarter I dropped four of my six classes due to a death in the family and other personal stuff going on. A few different classmates and a professor at various times came to me and told me with depth and sincerity that they missed my presence in class.
To know that my presence made a significant difference in people's lives was truly touching, far more so than any compliment about a specific gift or the performance of a specific task.
Be love,
-Dave
Dave | 03.28.04 - 6:02 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
thanks for sharing dave. that is an ultimate compliment... and just to be confrontational (grin), i'd say that that is also a gift.
brandon's feelings towards math bring up some of my own experiences. i LOVE math. i think that it's wonderful! growing up, however, it was a hard subject to enjoy and be good in. it seemed that so many others struggled with it and had a passionate distaste for it. some times when i say that i love math, i still have that hint of embarrassment in my voice!
being love!
ashley
ashley | Email | Homepage | 03.29.04 - 12:22 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, Ashley! It's patrice from the workshop. I continue to discover things that I learned while I was there. In response to the current topic, while I was in Austin, my friend, Jim, put his arm around my shoulders, gave me a squeeze and told me that I was a really good person. That kind of got to me, since I usually don't characterize myself like that. It's not that I don't think I am; I just don't really think about it. I loved the workshop. I was happy to have met you while I was there.
Patrice Hall | Email | 03.29.04 - 11:07 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
one of my favorites... i was at the open space on open space conference some years ago. anne stadler, one of the really wise souls of open space was there and went out on day one and got a pile of toys and fun stuff. i made a crazy hat out of tubers and zots foam stuff and wore it for most of the conference. nutty. at the end of the second day, i met anne at the elevator and said something like: "this has been the most amazing couple of days.... i'm going to have to wear this hat all the time now." and without a moment's hesitation anne says: "it might be the guy underneath the hat." perfectly reflected all of my best words and energy right back to me. brilliant she is.
michael herman | Email | Homepage | 03.29.04 - 11:26 pm | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leela's post over at IN got me thinking about this some more...
I think people all too often see individual worth, the worth of the self and others, as a zero sum game. Even though we all rationally know that praising another in no way diminishes ourself, I suspect that sub-consciously most folks feel that by praising others, the praiser's worth, even if only their relative worth, is diminished.
Could this explain why people are both reticent to give praise and uncomfortable receiving it?
[continued below...]
Dave | 03.31.04 - 12:41 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[...continued from above]
Ironically, when we're free and open with praise, our perceived value in the eyes of others tends to go up. At least this is my experience...
I'm all for the regular sincere practice of giving and receiving praise. If we could all do that, it would be a step toward making the world a more pleasant place. My fear is that if we started practicing praise on a societal level, it would fall into the same trap that respect and consideration have fallen into. That is... Rather than focusing on being respectful and considerate of others, society has codified these attributes into a mindless, heartless, intentless set of rules called political correctness. But, that's another rambling...
Practicing love, praise and respect,
-Dave
Dave | 03.31.04 - 12:42 am | #
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
patrice,
great to see you here. i'd like to share an impression that you left on me. at the conference, each time i asked a question and didn't quite get the response that i thought that i was needing, you poked your head down and said, "just so you know,....". i really appreciated how tuned into my experience you were. thank you. it was a joy meeting you as well.
michael,
your story leaves me grinning!
dave,
i propose that using the word encouragement (and all that it entails) as separate from praise might differentiate from mind-less to heart-full.
ashley
Labels: compliments
